The Great Donut War
by ParadigmRiki
Summary: [CRACK FIC] The war that started so much... Has been made into a play for all to enjoy. The script is available for all to read. Lives will be lost. Food shall be consumed. Chocolate will be stabbed. Read about the exciting adventures of Donut Princess, Ligtning through her time in the war.


**A long, long time ago, in the world of Final Fantasy, there was a war. A war so huge, it was forever etched in the history of the series. The casualties so severe, they are still honoured by everyone, everywhere, every year.** **It's name, The Great Donut War. This is a screenplay of the the horrendous war that shaped so much.**

* * *

 _ **During The Great Donut War...**_

 _ **ACT I**_

 **Squall** : Are you alright?

 **Rinoa** : Yes... thank you.

 **Squall** : No need, your highness! I'm just doing my job.

 **Rinoa** : Squall... you're a bit more enthusiastic than usual..

 **Squall** : Shhh... do you hear that?

 **Rinoa** : Squall you're just messing with me aren... **[Interrupted by Squall]**

 **Squall** : **Pushes Rinoa back** Watch out!

: My, my... The king protecting his beloved queen.

 **Squall** : What do you want?!

: I came here to take the throne.

 **Squall** : Are you serious?

: As serious as a man can be.

 **Squall** : **[Pulls out sword]** There's no way in hell I'll let that happen!

: **[Sighs]** Oh brother... will you just drop that Knight act already?! You're nothing but a toy! What can you possibly do to stop me?

 **Squall** : Well... there's only one way to find out.

* * *

 _ **ACT II**_

 **Lightning** : **[Looks out the window of the castle]** I hope the Queen is alright? **[Hears footsteps near the doorway]**

: **[Opens the door]** Are you the one they call Light?

 **Lightning** : Yeah, that's me! And you are?

: **[Approaches Light]** I am a warrior of no name. Some say I was born from the 4 crystals. Which is where the name, Warrior of Light originated from. Though my true origins are unknown.

 **Lightning** : Warrior of Light, huh? How about WoL for short?

 **WoL** : WoL? Interesting...

 **Lightning** : So, what brought you here in the first place?

 **WoL** : The Queen sent me here. She told me to escort you out of the castle.

 **Lightning** : No thanks! I can take care of myself. I don't need no Knight in shining armor to come rescue me. **[Heads to the door]**

 **WoL** : **[Blocks doorway]** I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that

 **Lightning** : Get out of my way!

 **WoL** : The Queen gave me an order! And I will not compromise that!

 **Lightning** : I don't care if the Queen sent you! You better get out of my way!

 **WoL** : Your threats will not change me! The Queen gave me an order! I must follow it, even if it costs me my life!

 **Lightning** : Ugh! Fine!

 **WoL** : Not pleased to hear that, but it'll do.

 **[WoL and Light head their way out of the castle]**

 **WoL** : So, you said you can take care of yourself, right?

 **Lightning** : Yeah, I said that. What about it?

 **WoL** : Mind leading me to the armory?

 **Lightning** : What happened to the "Knight in shining armor" act?

 **WoL** : I just think our chances of survival will increase, if I got your help as well.

 **Lightning** : ... Very well. Follow me!

 **[Lightning and WoL make their way to the armory]**

 **Light** : So, any idea what we're coming up against?

 **WoL** : Yeah... crumpets.

 **Light** : **[Stops walking]** Crumpets?

 **WoL** : **[Stops right behind Light]** Yeah, what do you know about them?

 **Light** : Not much. The Queen told me, they're monsters that spawn from an unknown place.

 **WoL** : Huh... interesting..

 **Light** : I never expected them to penetrate our defenses with ease.

 **WoL** : Do you think the Queen is alright?

 **Light** : **[Looks back at WoL]** There's only one way to find out! C'mon we need to hurry! **[Runs towards the armory]**

 **WoL** : Lead the way, princess. **[Follows right after]** _ **ACT III**_

 **Light** : We've reached the armory!

 **WoL** : **[Opens the door to the armory]** C'mon! **[Enters the armory]**

 **Light** : **[Follows right after]** Grab whatever you need.

 **WoL** : **[Grabs Donut Sword and Shield]** Uhhh... Interesting...

 **Light** : **[Looks at WoL]** Is there something wrong?

 **WoL** : Are you sure this is going to help us?

 **Light** : Against the crumpets? Definitely!

 **WoL** : ... Okay...

 **Light** : **[Puts armor on]** Okay! Let's go see the Queen!

 **WoL** : Alright! Lead the way!

 **[Lightning and WoL make their way to the Donut Queen]**

 **Light** : **[Stops to witness attack on the kingdom and gasps]** It's gotten worse..

 **WoL** : Look! Over there! **[Points at a group of Crumpet Soldiers**

 **Crumpet Soldiers** : Well, well... Some decided to join the party!

 **Light** : **[Pulls out sword]** I shall crash this party along with you!

 **WoL** : [Pulls out sword] Could've worded that a bit better, princess.

 **Light** : **[Sighs]** Yeah, yeah...

 **[Crumpet Soldier attacks Light, but blocked by WoL's shield. Lightning counters Crumpet Soldier's attack, killing him. Crumpet Soldier 2 casts fire, weakening WoL.]**

 **WoL** : **[Gasps for air]** No, not yet! **[Casts Cure]**

 **Light** : Watch out!

 _Crumpet Soldier 3 gets ready to attack WoL._

 **[Lightning front flips over WoL. Then follows that up with a throwing knife, then connects with a leap attack. Killing Crumpet Soldier 3 instantly. Crumpet Soldier 2 gets ready to cast Fire on Light, but gets interrupted by WoL's shield bash. Interrupting the crumpet's attack. Follows the shield bash attack with sword thrust, killing Crumpet Soldier 2.]**

 **WoL** : That could've ended badly.

 **Light** : Yeah... but there's still more we have to deal with.

 **WoL** : You're right! Now's not the time to rest. C'mon let's go! **[Heads to the Queen's last known location.]**

 **Light** : **[Sarcastically]** Lead the way Prince Charming. **[Follows after]**

* * *

 _ **ACT IV**_

After countless waves of crumpet soldiers later.

 **Light** : Damn! How many are there?!

 **WoL** : At this rate. We might die!

 **Light** : Where could the Donut Queen be?

 **WoL** : **[Starts to pass out]** No... Not.. yet..

 **Light** : WoL! **[Runs up to WoL]** No, no, no! Don't you die on me yet!

 _13 crumpet soldiers prepare to attack. Lightning looks at their direction._

 **Light** : **[Pulls out sword]** I guess it's my time to protect you. **[Dashes up to the crumpets]**

 _Gets interrupted by a barrage of weapons._

 **Light** : **[Stops]** What?

: **[Jumps down from roof. Landing in front of Light. Looks at Light]** Leave them to me! Bartz! Would you mind taking care of that Knight there?

 **Bartz** : Yes sir! **[Jumps down from roof. Looks down at WoL]** Arise, Fellow Knight! **[Pulls out a Donut Down]**

 **Light** : **[Runs up to Bartz]** You think he'll be alright?

 **Bartz** : He'll be alright!

 _Meanwhile, ? casts Fira at crumpets. Wiping out most of the crumpets. Ten crumpet soldiers shoot a barrage of arrows at ?. ? dodges all of them. Counters the attack with ten throwing knives, then finishes them off with a bow. Three crumpet soldiers get ready to cast fire at Light, Bartz and WoL. ? crushes crumpet soldier 1 with great hammer. Crumpet Soldier 2 casts fire at ?. ? dodges it, then counters with throwing axe. ? finishes off crumpet soldier 3 with a bow._

 **WoL** : **[Gasps for air]**

 **Light** : WoL! Thank goodness you're alright. **[Shows sign of relief]**

: **[Heads to WoL's direction]**

 **Bartz** : Jeez, Firion! Show off, much?

 **Firion** : Sorry. Looks like I got a little too overboard.

 **WoL** : Who... who are you?

 **Firion** : My name is Firion. Me and Bartz are wanderers.

 **Bartz** : Yep, always loved the sense of adventure.

 **Light** : So, how come you decided to help us?

 **Firion** : We're always willing to help others in need. Right Bartz? **[Looks at Bartz]**

 **Bartz** : Yep! Also, you don't need to pay us. This was our decision.

 **WoL** : **[Stands up]** Thank you. If it weren't for you two. Me and Light here would've been as good as dead.

 **Light** : Yeah, thank you..

 **Firion and Bartz** : You're welcome!

 **WoL** : Hey, would you mind helping us one more time?

 **Bartz** : Sure!

 **Firion** : We'd be glad to. If you tell me who you are first.

 **WoL** : Very well. My name is WoL, a Warrior born from the crystals. And my partner here is named Light, the princess of this kingdom.

 **Bartz** : Wow! She's even more beautiful in person!

 **Light** : Well, thank you sir!

 **Bartz** : She's talking to me, Firion!

 **Firion** : Yes, I can see that. Anyways, nice to meet you too!

 **WoL** : Well, now that we got that sorted out. It's time to see the Queen.

 **Bartz and Firion** : The Queen?

 **Light** : Yeah, we were on our way there before we got attacked.

 **Firion** : Interesting... What are you seeing the Queen for?

 **WoL** : We just want to make sure she's okay.

 **Light** : Hopefully she is...

 **Firion** : Well, what are we waiting for then? Lead the way!

 **Bartz** : I can't believe we're about to see the Queen, Firion!

 **Firion** : Yes, I know!

 **WoL** : Alright then, follow me!

 **[WoL heads to the Queen's last known location. Light, Bartz and Firion follow after.]**

 _With the help of Bartz and Firion. Light and WoL were able to make it through the countless waves of Crumpets._

* * *

 _ **ACT V**_

 **WoL** : **[Points at Rinoa]** Look! Over there!

 **Light, Bartz and Firion** : **[Look at where Warrior of Light pointed at]**

 **Light** : The Queen!

 **Bartz** : She's the Queen?

 **Firion** : Wait... Where's the King?

 **Bartz** : Now that you mentioned it. I don't see him either.

 **WoL** : No... it can't be!

 **Light** : What? What can't be?!

 **WoL** : The king losing the battle.

 **Bartz** : Umm... if you don't mind me asking. Who is the king?

 **WoL** : King Squall.

 **Firion** : The Lion?!

 **Light** : Yeah.. He gave himself that name, actually.

 **WoL** : Why does he call himself this?

 **WoL** : Maybe because of his unique necklace?

 **Firion** : Oh, does his necklace resemble a lion?

 **Light** : Yep!

 **WoL** : Anyways, let's go see how the Queen is doing.

 _Warrior of Light, Lightning, Bartz and Firion make their way to the Queen_

 **Lightning, Warrior of Light, Bartz and Firion** : **[See the Queen overlooking the sunset. Possibly getting prepared to die]**

 **Light** : Rinoa! **[Rushes to her]**

 **Rinoa** : **[Looks back with tears in her eyes]** Lightning?

 **Light** : What were you thinking?!

 **Rinoa** : **[Begins to cry]** I… I... can't live without him..

 **Warrior of Light, Bartz, and Firion** : **[Looks at Rinoa in shock]**

 **Light** : Wait.. Squall's gone?!

 **Rinoa** : They took him! **[Says this while sobbing]**

 **WoL** : No... no, it can be! How did this happen?

 **Rinoa** : They must've took him while trying to protect me.. I couldn't do anything to save him. It's all my fault. He could be dead for all I know.

 **Bartz** : Don't fret about it! I'm sure the king is still alive.

 **Light** : He might be right. You don't know for sure.

 **WoL** : You've seen what Squall is capable of doing.

 **Firion** : Yeah, he'll be fine.

 **Rinoa** : I hope so..

 **Light** : Rinoa. I'm going to go rescue him.

 **Rinoa** : You will?

 **Light** : Yeah... right guys?

 **WoL** : Indeed!

 **Bartz** : Of course!

 **Firion** : Pleasure's all mine!

 **Rinoa** : **[Embraces Lightning]** Thank you!

 **Light** : **[Hugs back]** Don't mention it..

 **Rinoa** : **[Hands Lightning a small object that resembles a necklace]**

 **Light** : **[Opens her right hand. Revealing what it appears to be Squall's necklace]** Is this...?

 **Rinoa** : I want you to give it to him, if you do see him.

 **Light** : **[Clutches the necklace tightly]** Will do, your highness!

 **Rinoa** : **[Bows down to Lightning]** Thank you!

 **Bartz** : Well... now that we got that over with. Where are we heading to?

 **WoL** : I'd say the Muffin Kingdom first. Though, that decision is up to Lightning.

 **Firion** : Well.. what are we waiting for then?

 **Light** : Right!

 **Rinoa** : Follow me!

 _Rinoa leads the newly formed team to the kingdom's entrance._

 **Rinoa** : We're here.

 **Lightning, Warrior of Light, Bartz and Firion** : **[Exit the kingdom]**

 **Lightning, Warrior of Light, Bartz and Firion** : **[Wave goodbye to the Donut Queen]**

 **Light** : Rinoa!

 **Rinoa** : Yes?!

 **Light** : Would you mind doing me one more favor?!

 **Rinoa** : Of course!

 **Light** : When I come back. I want this kingdom to flourish with Donuts!

 **Rinoa** : **[Laughs]** Will do princess!

 _And so. Warrior of Light, Lightning, Bartz and Firion make their way to rescue Squall and end the wars between the Crumpets, Donuts and Bagels._

 **[Curtains draw]**

* * *

 **A/N: Well, not really an author note as much as a publisher note. No, I did not actually write this. A friend did, but they aren't very good at using FFN so they let me post it! Yay for that! Anyway, just wanted to say that this is obviously a crack fic, so be prepared for more stupidity. If you liked this, Follow it because you are a mad stalker. Anyway, ParadigmRiki... OUT!**


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